Am I messing up everything?

Lately we spend a lot of time arguing, and I can't help wondering why? It's just a bunch of silly things, but at the moment they all seem very real... and the worst part of it, is that I think it is always my fault, one way or another... and suddenly I found myself going after you every time... I have to confess: I can't stand being mad at you, but you want me to speak & there's a thing I have conflicts with...: It's just very difficult for me to say what I'm feeling at the moment... & you go all angry about it, I know, but you have to understand me, I just can't said it... and really, even when I'm really mad at you, I just want a hug from you, I just feel like being in your arms... but... lately I've felt like you're starting to get tired of me... are you? I complete agreed, I mean: I can be really annoying, I even get tired of myself, I don't know how you do it... well I don't now what's going on anymore, I just want you to know I truly LOVE YOU... and that I'm really scared that I'm messing up everything.

...

Perdona, pues mis pensamientos se roban los ideales que eh construido junto a ti...

Perdona si desespero tu lucha por mostrarme que no eres nada parecido a como me acostumbre a ver a los hombres...

Perdona mi inseguridad y todos los miedos que vengo arrastrando de años que no corresponden a ti... se que te cansa, se que te enfada, se que te agobia, se que un día no soportaras mas porque yo no puedo prometer simplemente desvanecerlos... quisiera, de verdad, pero me siento constantemente cazada por ellos... en cada esquina, en cada alto, en cada parque, en cada clase, en cada sueño...

Perdona que no lo supere, que sea mas grande que yo... Te juro que el estar contigo es mi único regocijo, sé que te amo infinitamente y nada de esto cambiara mis sentimientos hacia ti... pero temo que cambien los tuyos hacia mi...

Perdona mis desplantes, mis arranques y mis locuras... comprende que en medio de esto, solo busco paz...

Perdona que te pida mas de lo que ya me das, no debería... en realidad es imposible, creo que ya me das todo... entonces perdona que aveces no lo vea, que deje que mis pensamientos se roben eso también...

Perdona si aveces no se como amarte... pues, antes, mi idea del amor era mas bien... odio... Entendería por completo si un día dejaras todo esto y prefirieras buscar una mujer sin tantas contradicciones, sin miedos y complicaciones... y en ese caso, perdona que haga todo lo posible por no dejarte ir... pues eres lo mejor que me ah pasado...

Then, again fairytales do not exist...!

Then, again I feel like I used to feel... I guess it always happens, here or there, with him or with someone else... although, it's maybe nothing or it's maybe something, I really don't know, I just thought it'll be different with him and at the same time I've always knew this wasn't a fairytale, just because fairytales doesn't exist... it's nice living in pink, but sooner or later it all becomes grey, I've always know it... & then again, it's maybe nothing... i tend to think many many things and it's really not good for my head, I can't stop it, is just how my head works... I guess is like a safety device... And I know for sure: there's no fairies, no prince charming, there's no castles and white horses, there's no dreams or pink-living... I've always known I have to face the real world, and I was kinda doing it 'till you came and took me up to the stars... But then, again fairytales do not exist...!

aun no consigo tirarte...

LOVE

that's all anyone wants from anyone else,

not love itself

but the knowledge that

l o v e i s t h e r e.

-Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremly Loud & Incredibly Close.

(just like u&me)

& I know it's you on the phone

Yesterday night, my phone rang, an unknown number, I answer but none says hello... & I know it's you on the phone, I don't know how or why i just could hear you breathing. Its kinda funny... I guess you still think of me & I want to say I still dream of you... but unfortunately they're only nightmares, I'm desperate to wake up and when I do I'm just so glad it isn't true... & I really wish I could have a better flavor when it comes to you, but you really tried hard to bring me down and you certainly did hurt me... so there's these days I would love to see you crying, plunged into your own misery, none can find you... but somehow there's a bit of something good deep inside me about you 'cause there's these other days I just pray & wish you can make it right, to see you with someone else by your side so happy, just like I do now... i really hope you can turned all those dreams you had to your real life someday... & my God! i know they're all contradictions, but that's how you always made me thought, so...

Siempre se te derrumban las ilusiones...

-Como te va?

-Bien... gracias, a ti?

-Me entere que ya tienes a alguien mas, es cierto?

-Si, es verdad.

-Que rápido me olvidaste... no te tomo ni el mes...

-Te equivocas, me tomo tres años.

-Tres años? si no hemos estado separados por tanto tiempo...

-Nunca dije que te olvide separada de ti, todo lo contrario.

-Lo amas?

-Que...?

-Que si lo amas?

-Si... que..? Que te importa?!

-Solo me preguntaba.

-Que?... Si lo amo?

-No precisamente eso... mas bien, si después de todo aun crees en el amor?

-Después de todo...?

-Me refiero a lo que has vivido como primera y tercera persona... lo sabes, siempre se te derrumban las ilusiones, justo lo dijiste, viviste mas de tres años desilusionada.

-No es cierto! existe...

-Que? De verdad no te fue suficiente? me falto?

-Simplemente es diferente!

-No lo es! lo sabes! lo viste en mi y lo ves en todas partes, todos los días, te atormenta, te deprime y lo sabes! es verdad! que es esta vez diferente?

-Todo!

-Nada! Sabes que así empieza, dale tiempo... todo es cuestión de tiempo, todo acabara, siempre acaba. Mejor crece! no existen los cuentos de hadas, no hay un "vivieron felices para siempre"... pensé que ya habías crecido, te lo demostré, ese fue el favor que te hice y ahora tengo que venir a recordártelo.

-Venir? Ni siquiera estas aquí...

Lastima...

lastima... lastima por mi... porque que me cuesta tanto creerte, lastima que no tengo la capacidad de entenderte cuando me dices que soy yo... que te complemento en todos los aspectos, que soy yo lo que siempre buscaste en tantos rincones, y tan solo tenias que voltear enfrente... que soy yo la persona que despierta tu pasión, que soy con lo que por años soñaste... lastima que tenga miedo de escucharte decir "te amo"... que lastima... que palabras tan hermosas sean las que menos quiero escucharte decir y al mismo tiempo... al escucharlas, me hagan tan feliz y sentir de la manera mas extraña... no lo puedo describir, que siento mi cuerpo vibrar... algo tan dentro de mi y tan grande... un sentimiento imparable, soy demasiado chiquita como para encerrarlo, es imposible, es mas grande que yo... lastima que me aterre pensar que un día olvidaras esas palabras y prefieras partir... lastima que mis demonios no me dejen expresar lo que por ti siento, que es tan grande como lo que tu dices sentir... tal vez mas... lastima que sea tan débil que me hago dudar... lastima por mi...

Earl Grey, the new wake up call...

Open my eyes... 4:55 am... s#*t! it's late!! i had to catch my work-bus right at that time!! There's no more buses until six in the morning and at that time i have to be already standing in the restaurant... i ran to the bus stop but it was a minute to late... it was still night, i sat on the sidewalk praying for a bus that will not pass by... a sub was parked a few feet away and after a minute or two a young man goes out of it, he approached to me and asked if he could keep me company while i wait. Truly, i was scared but he looked decent and i was more worried about my delay than anything else... so i said yes... everytime a stranger asks for my name i say Natalie, and so i did. We started talking... but i was curious, he never offered to drive me to my work, i mean, any other man at 5:45 in the morning would, but he didn't he was just talking about this bar he owned near by that was the reason he was parked there... i was so desperate to get to work that i asked him to take me, but he said he was to tired and offered to pay for a taxi to drive me there! I didn't knew what to say, i mean a taxi will charge 50 dollars... it's a lot for a girl you just meet who couldn't catch her bus, but i really, really was desperate so i agreed... i know! I should say no and i think God knew about it so... suddenly... a bus! It wasn't my work-bus but it was a bus that approaches me to my work... I thanked him and left... on the bus i was falling sleep! of course i haven't slept more than 3 hours i was exhausted and late! I arrived 6:30am to the restaurant, grateful that my manager wasn't there yet, but i hardly could stay awake and i knew a coffee was not the solution, i mean is pleasant but it has no effect on me since my mother gave me one cup every morning since i was eight... A cup of tea! A cup of earl grey tea with a splash of milk! Delightful, pleasant and awakening! I'm sayig a cup of earl grey tea with a splash of milk is the new wake up call... well, it didn't wake me at 4:15am, or keep me from getting late, but it did keep me awake for the rest of my shift :)