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we were meant to be

It seemed it all was ment to be, us was ment to be. We had known each other since we where kids, but we never where togheter in any kind of way, years go by and he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, two long relationships that ended in the right time. One day we ran into each other, there was a strange feeling, I was single and I suddenly started to notice him and he noticed me as well.

We started dating so instantly, I was thinking about him all day long, after many, many years I found myself falling for someone that wasn´t my ex and not just that, the best part was that he seemed to be a person that was really wort to fall for. Suddenly we were already boyfriend and girlfriend. It all happened really fast, but it was magical, I wasn’t sure at the beginning, I had just ended a really long and sick relationship and I was already in another one, but somehow it just felt right, so I decided not to be afraid, it wasn’t easy and he had to fought all my monsters and fears. After a while I started to believe in him, I started to believe that he will never hurt me and we had the greatest relationship ever, my friends and his friends were always telling us how happy we seemed and how good we were togheter. It was just perfect, until one day it wasn’t anymore.

¿Es que realmente no eres para mi?

Cerrando los ojos, hoy ya no veo nada y aveces, a solas me dejo llevar por ti...pero luego pienso y creo que no eres para mi... pues las mentiras se llevan los ideales que he construido junto a ti.

Te deje pasar, me había prometido que no te dejaría ir, me siento parte de ti, soñando que nuestro destino será la felicidad, pero luego me siento atrapada, casi obligada a sentir la felicidad, me siento parte de ti, pero absorbida en tu perfecta gentileza , me siento parte de ti con esa mirada que me recogió de la soledad y me prometió que podría estar junto a mi, porque estaba segura que en ti estaba todo lo que pude o no desear, pero es precisamente eso lo que ahora ya no esta... y yo deseando amarte, pero en la duda de mi amor por ti... Por primera vez siento que tu no podrás tapar mi desesperación, parece que no eres tan perfecto como creí, de hecho, quizá no eres tan fiel, tan compresivo, quizá sólo proyectas esa imagen de sensibilidad, de comprensión hacia mi... quizá deba irme, porque si me quedo quizá me quede en espera de esa felicidad, quizá realmente no eres para mi...

Am I messing up everything?

Lately we spend a lot of time arguing, and I can't help wondering why? It's just a bunch of silly things, but at the moment they all seem very real... and the worst part of it, is that I think it is always my fault, one way or another... and suddenly I found myself going after you every time... I have to confess: I can't stand being mad at you, but you want me to speak & there's a thing I have conflicts with...: It's just very difficult for me to say what I'm feeling at the moment... & you go all angry about it, I know, but you have to understand me, I just can't said it... and really, even when I'm really mad at you, I just want a hug from you, I just feel like being in your arms... but... lately I've felt like you're starting to get tired of me... are you? I complete agreed, I mean: I can be really annoying, I even get tired of myself, I don't know how you do it... well I don't now what's going on anymore, I just want you to know I truly LOVE YOU... and that I'm really scared that I'm messing up everything.

...

Perdona, pues mis pensamientos se roban los ideales que eh construido junto a ti...

Perdona si desespero tu lucha por mostrarme que no eres nada parecido a como me acostumbre a ver a los hombres...

Perdona mi inseguridad y todos los miedos que vengo arrastrando de años que no corresponden a ti... se que te cansa, se que te enfada, se que te agobia, se que un día no soportaras mas porque yo no puedo prometer simplemente desvanecerlos... quisiera, de verdad, pero me siento constantemente cazada por ellos... en cada esquina, en cada alto, en cada parque, en cada clase, en cada sueño...

Perdona que no lo supere, que sea mas grande que yo... Te juro que el estar contigo es mi único regocijo, sé que te amo infinitamente y nada de esto cambiara mis sentimientos hacia ti... pero temo que cambien los tuyos hacia mi...

Perdona mis desplantes, mis arranques y mis locuras... comprende que en medio de esto, solo busco paz...

Perdona que te pida mas de lo que ya me das, no debería... en realidad es imposible, creo que ya me das todo... entonces perdona que aveces no lo vea, que deje que mis pensamientos se roben eso también...

Perdona si aveces no se como amarte... pues, antes, mi idea del amor era mas bien... odio... Entendería por completo si un día dejaras todo esto y prefirieras buscar una mujer sin tantas contradicciones, sin miedos y complicaciones... y en ese caso, perdona que haga todo lo posible por no dejarte ir... pues eres lo mejor que me ah pasado...

Then, again fairytales do not exist...!

Then, again I feel like I used to feel... I guess it always happens, here or there, with him or with someone else... although, it's maybe nothing or it's maybe something, I really don't know, I just thought it'll be different with him and at the same time I've always knew this wasn't a fairytale, just because fairytales doesn't exist... it's nice living in pink, but sooner or later it all becomes grey, I've always know it... & then again, it's maybe nothing... i tend to think many many things and it's really not good for my head, I can't stop it, is just how my head works... I guess is like a safety device... And I know for sure: there's no fairies, no prince charming, there's no castles and white horses, there's no dreams or pink-living... I've always known I have to face the real world, and I was kinda doing it 'till you came and took me up to the stars... But then, again fairytales do not exist...!